Friend or not a Friend
Back again with another post so quickly, well quick for me anyway.
I still have so much to say but at the same time have difficulty trying to express that in writing, so these next few posts will no doubt be a little disjointed as I talk about the past few months and then also talk about what’s happening now.
Looking back over the past few months there have been three main things that I have not been able to accept or “get over”. Unlike Cate who has an ability to learn and move on I have struggled to accept these things and at this stage just can not move on. I know it sounds stupid and immature but they are chewing at me and I just cant get over them. I can see these are holding me back from getting on with life but I just can not stop it!
The first of the issues is FRIENDS.
I’ve always lived by the thought that if you let people into your life, you will get hurt. To save getting hurt, I simply just do not let people into my life. Therefore as such I don’t actually have anybody that I refer to as “my friend”. There are even parts to me that even Cate has not cracked her way in. But nether the less we as a family have/had people close enough to us that family members called them friends. These friends were present in one way or another all way up to the point that we were evicted from the house. Now wether us being evicted was of our own doing or through the doing of others is irrelevant, one would expect that our friends would provide some level of support, even if it was only a phone call or email to say “hey were here if you need us”…. But no… we were now homeless and publicly so and that apparently means that nobody wants anything to do with you anymore. The so called friends went into hiding. Ran for the hills even!!
Personally I found this a discussing act and very hurtful. As uncomfortable as it might be to communicate with a “homeless family”, friendship should be stronger than that. And to use excuses like “I didn’t know what to say” or “I thought I’d just make it harder for you” just does not cut it, it’s a cop out. If it wasn’t bad enough living in a tent and van, moving every three or so days and feeling like EVERY person you went past was looking at you because they just knew you were homeless, not having anybody familiar to communicate with just made things feel so much worse.
Just to go back for a second, after a few weeks I had to ask Cate about the feeling I had that no matter where I was, it really felt that people were staring at me because I had “homeless” written on my forehead. Cate felt exactly the same thing, it was a horrible and humiliating feeling. But I digress!
Strangely enough during our travels we met a few people that for various reasons were in similar situations dealing with their issues and to my surprise these people stopped and took the time to talk to us, to communicate with the kids and allowed them to feel human. How sad is it that a complete stranger with their own demons to deal with could offer support when the so called friends left us for dead. And that is why I just can not move forward on this issue.
Maybe I could throw in a positive post next time?? Lets wait and see, but before I go I would like to know, what would you do in this situation? Put yourself in the position of the “friend” be honest with me and let me know, what would you do, how would you feel? I’d appreciate the comments to help me find a way past this issue. But of course, play nice… If you want to be nasty, I’ll just close the comments altogether.
Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.
Rick
I like you don’t let many people in. Hurt too many times I don’t like to trust. Funnily enough I’m mid way through commenting on my own blog about this very thing.
I find that in the time of need you get to test the strength of ‘friendship’ and as a general rule there are not that many who measure up. Quite often the greatest kindness, support and comfort does come from strangers and I’m not sure why that is.
Is it because those in our circle of friends are merely there for their own convenience? Is it because those in that circle are actually just socializing on a purely superficial level? We’ll talk of common interests and experiences but not about hardship? Why is it taboo to share deep problems with those who are meant to be friends? Why when something is different or unknown do we throw it in the ‘too hard’ basket.
Sometimes I think it is easier with those who are not so close merely because there is no social stigma.
I hope if nothing else you can take from this experience the fact you were able to work out who you friends were. A true friend is someone who calls to ask how you are. Someone who even if they cannot personal help you through the tough times will be there as a sounding board and allow you to vent your frustrations.
I know it might not sound like much. But I’m always here to listen. I mightn’t be able to help but I offer an ear to listen and the occassional funny comment.
Rick
in my life I gave suffered plenty. I have only a couple of things to say that I think nay help you feel a bit at ease. First it doesn’t mattervan iota if friends have abandoned you. You have a life long friend and her name is Catherine- yes that fine lady is your wife. She is your true friend and your life partner. I know that sounds rather corny but it’s the bleeding obvious.
When things in my life were so bad almost to the point of topping myself, I reminded myself & hard as it was at the time, to remember who truly loved me, unconditionally for all my faults and just me. It was my husband and true friend who was there for me when the days were too bleak to
look at. He was there when I could not face another day but came to
my rescue.
I hope you are getting the bigger picture here, your partner is the true friend and will be until you say it is. This is what you should worry about not flaky so-called friends. Forget about those fair-weather friends they are never meant to be.
Look up at your beautiful wife because it is her that you draw your strength upon and her love and support will endure the most stormy situations life throws at you.
One last remark, friendship arises from places least expected, cherish all walks of life as you never know what is behind the layers.
Warmest regards to you and your beautiful family
Kerry
You know that scene in many a movie where the sad lead character ends up chatting about their life to a bartender? It’s very true that sometimes it is much easier for strangers to share their experiences and stories, simply because there is no emotional investment between the people doing the sharing.
It’s easy to empathise with someone you don’t have to interact with regularly. It’s simple to suspend judgement on a person you may never see again. It’s much harder to cope with how threatened the illusion of your own safe life becomes when someone close to you is going through a crisis.
It’s a little like when when someone close to us is dying, we are reminded of our own mortality. You may think this is a long bow to draw but really, your family has been through a series of little deaths Rick.
You’ve lost your home, you’ve lost your professional identity, you’ve lost your income and you’ve lost your social standing, along with your sense of personal value being attached to your ability to provide (which is pretty much hard wired into most good men like you.) These losses are traumatic and you, Cate and the family have been grieving, and that means every stage of the grieving process is being experienced as well including denial and now anger.
So how do many people act when they are confronted with someone who has faced traumatic loss? Most people feel awkward around them, uncomfortable, more aware of possibly saying the wrong thing, or maybe we are angry or judgemental and think it better to just maintain a short term silence than run the risk of upsetting the relationship in the long run. What CAN be said to someone who has experienced so much loss. I guess the point you are making and it is a very fair one, is that it’s not the words but perhaps the just being there, being present and available that really marks the true friendship.
There is no point trying to excuse the people in your life that you feel abandoned by. Fair-weather is the most foul form friends can come in and I am really angry on your behalf that these people were not more stalwart. It will be up to those people to try and mend the bridges, not through excuses and easy words but through actions that demonstrate they really do want to be part of your life and your familys.
All I can say other than this is try not to stop trusting. There is an old saying that you have to shuck a lot of oysters before you find the pearls, so when it comes to making the kind of friends that can define a lifetime, I say keep on shucking – for hope and for love.
XXX